Hey guys. Guys. GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYS.
Stop what you’re doing for just a second. Yeah, everybody. Even you fapping to the bikini photos. Give your pork sausage a five minute break and listen to me. This is suuuuuuuuper important.
My birthday’s in like 2 days. No, really. I understand how easily you could overlook my birthday because you’ve been too busy debating whether or not the average god-fearing NRA member would’ve been able to thwart a mad man in Colorado armed with tear gas and what I’m assuming was a legally purchased assault rifle because I’M GONNA KEEP MY GUNS, MY MONEY, AND MY FREEDOM AND YOU LIBERALS CAN KEEP THE CHANGE or something else completely fucktarded about how the president is a secret Kenyan Muslim and global warming is a government conspiracy to slowly erode our civil rights by regulating large corporate entities so they can’t rape our environment into a biblical apocalypse. Is American exceptionalism still a thing? No. The answer is no. But my birthday is still a thing. It’s a HUGE thing. And no, I’m not done. Put your dick away, Fappy! I’ve still got you for another two and a half minutes!
Anyway, I’ve got a birthday coming up and you can assist me in celebrating by supporting my continued efforts to, through the magic of the interwebz, force you to laugh until your eyeballs pop clean out of their sockets. You see, sometimes work gets in the way of the blogging. And I don’t mean my normal work where I manage a multifamily complex for 40+ hours a week. I mean all of the other things I do (walking dogs, babysitting, repairing fences, etc.) to supplement the income from my normal job and put away money so that someday I can have hardwood floors. That’s my dream. Wood floors before next year’s allergy season. It’s a modest dream when you consider that most Americans my age grew up in an atmosphere of wealth-driven consumerism. I just want some wood floors. And not even REAL wood. I’m shopping around for laminate plank flooring and I’ll install it myself because I’m handy like that.
So if you’re like me and you believe in my dream of modestly priced yet attractive laminate plank flooring, you can donate via PayPal (look to your right at the link in the sidebar) and as a gesture of thanks I’ll send you a PluckyChicken.net bumper sticker and a thank you note that smells like Spring rain and unicorn kisses and rainbow marshmellows and boobies. Just make sure I have an address for you or the person on whose behalf you’re donating.
And don’t feel like you’re being sleazy when you give me money. In Cajun Country (my place of origin) it’s customary to pin money on someone’s clothing for their birthday. You probably live too far away to pin money on my bikini. This is the next best thing except that you don’t get to “accidentally” graze my nipple. I would slap you for it anyway, nipple grazer.