I went to see The Dark Knight Rises last night and then came home and promptly took 4 Advil and a Vicodin because REASONS THAT YOU’D KNOW IF YOU FOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER LIKE A GOOD MINION. No really, my face feels like someone has been beating on it in my sleep Full Metal Jacket-style and now I’m sleeping with a mouth guard and roofie-ing my orange juice with hydrocodone.
So here’s what I remember from last night:
BAIN CONNERY! Super badass photoshoppery courtesy of RichAndCreamy
Also, I remember how the webbernetz told me like a million years ago that Marion Cotillard has been Talia al Ghul this whole time. The implied manipulative hate!fucking was still a surprise. Way to not spoil it for me, neckbeards who couldn’t wait to blog your balls off after opening night. Granted, the crazy person with the tiny penis probably kept a lot of spoilers out of the news and that’s a nice little silver lining that isn’t just Christian Bail making the “let me grace you with my fame and my grown-up facial hair” rounds in Colorado. It’s not quite as meaningful as the very serious discussion we’re now having about gun laws and the 2nd Amendment and the (highly probably) financial and political link between gun manufacturers and the NRA, but I’m still glad that I at least went in to the theater not knowing exactly which female co-star Batman would end up porking.
In related news Anne Hathaway made my invisible dick harder than a diamond in an ice storm. There, I fucking said it.
JGL was magnificent just like we all knew he would be, and the Robin thing was hokey but I was honestly too busy trying to figure out if that was really John Malkovich to care.
And while we’re on the subject of mysterious cameos, if you didn’t laugh out-the fuck-loud when you saw Lieutenant Dangle in a lab coat it’s because you’re dead inside and I have absolutely nothing to say to you.