“The people who live in the Great House of Collinwood rest unaware of the drama which is taking place in another house on the great estate. For an experiment is ending, an experiment which, in a previous attempt, this night, has already caused great suffering. An experiment which if successful this time will provide a mate for one man, and remove his perilous threat to the entire Collins household.”

So before we go any further, I need everybody to just shut up for a second and watch this video. It’s an antiperspirant commercial featuring Dark Shadows’ resident GingerPorn Goddess Marie Wallace (she played Eve and I LOVE HER SO HARD) and Reverend Trask channeling Humphrey Bogart. It is the kind of pure daytime tv gold that will keep you smellin’ good like a beautiful dame should. You’re welcome.

Sweet smoking Jesus, that was some sexy magic.  Gawd, I think I need a cigarette and some antiperspirant in the silvah can.

So Eve came along during a period in Dark Shadows history when Dan Curtis clearly realized that what the show was suffering from was a lack of voluptuous RealDolls with big red sexy hair and adorable button noses. I mean yeah, Doctor Julia was a total fox but she was also kind of intimidating on account of her I-eat-broken-glass-and-sandpaper voice and her inherent baddassery.

Enter Eve, who fills this niche perfectly and looks pornalicious enough to suck the chrome right off of a trailer hitch.

Eve is a miracle of pseudoscience and Aquanet. When things don’t work out between Adam and Carolyn, Nicholas Blair and his mustache use their power to summon the spirit of 18th century bona fide crazy person Danielle Roget (GOOD CHOICE BRO) and it’s from here that things go south in a real hurry because maybe murderous red-headed women who die, no matter how foxxy they are, should just stay dead and not be used as the life force in what has to be the most unethical science project ever. WHAT THE FUCK JULIA? AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR?

Eve has it pretty rough. She carries a torch for Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford but she was created as a “mate” for Adam. In her pursuit of Jeff Clark/Peter Bradford, she forms an alliance with Angelique because bitches gotta stick together and does a little time traveling. At her tricknastiest, she attempts to split up Vicky and Jeff. That doesn’t really end well for anyone, particularly Eve who ends up strangled and fried.

I’ve got a soft spot for smokin’ hot redheads with terrible man troubles, and being brought to life specifically to serve as someone’s romantic partner is just about as man troubles as it gets. Hell, I’d make a deal with Angelique and travel back in time to get out of a fate like that. Now let’s all scroll up and watch that awesome antiperspirant commercial again. In the silvah can…

There are several other participants in today’s My Favorite Monster Blog-A-Thon who probably did a way better job than me because they aren’t distracted by shiny things and I betcha most of them went to college and finished!

BIG SEXY BLOGROLL

Over at The Collinsport Historical Society Cousin Barnabas explain why he’s got a poster of Jeb Hawk’s above his bed.

The Drawing Room reminds us that even before Barnabas Collins came along, shit was starting to get serious.

The Collins Foundation uses a word in the title of their post that I had to google.

Stuff Monsters Like shows off their massive hard-on for Angelique.

Posted by pluckychicken in Asshattery, Cool Nerd Stuff, Dark Shadows, SEXAY, Stuff on the TV